The Man Rules

I recently received an email from an elder of an organization I'm apart of here at my college. Forgive me if you don't get the elder part; we typically call them old heads, but in a effort to be more "respectful," we try to use better titles.

Anyway, this email was entitled "The Man Rules." I didn't read these rules before starting this post. This might end up being a dud, which would suck because I just started this blog. However, seeing as how I am a "man," I have an idea that these rules are going to be good. And since they are for "women," this post better be going to be good.

Since men are men and women are women, I feel the need to elaborate on these rules. Lay them out and nice for not the weaker gender, but the more illogical one. The rules will be in quotation marks, my posts will be in parenthesis. I hope I don't have to lay that one out too...

"At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!"

((Women continue to complain about equal rights, but then assert that men must be understanding of their needs and accommodate them as a gentleman should. These rules do not refute the rules of a woman, however ludicrous they may be. They just ask for the same damn courtesy. And they are all number one because they are all important. Doing one is as important and appreciated as doing another. And if you don't do one, we'll liable to catch a fit like you all would and do.))

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
((Tell us how you feel. Let us know if you're pissed. Hell, let us know when you're happy! Far too often women will let things brew and torment them until they can't take it anymore... and then they take it out on men. Just tell the man, give him the opportunity to defend himself, or to make up for it.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
((Quite frankly, we don't need it up: we can use the seat for the toilet if we wanted to. I personally don't like touching a seat that my butt has been on, let alone someone else's. You're grown, you shouldn't have to go so badly at you dive a** first on a toilet. If you're calm enough to see the seat is up, put it down. If you have problem with touching the seat too (you hypocrite), use that foot and keep it moving.

1. Sunday sports : It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
((It's on Sunday: the Lord's day. If GOD is okay with it, you shouldn't be complaining. If you need a better reason, repent now.))

1. Crying is blackmail.
((Crying *should* be punishable by law. In any case, there is a natural law called karma, and it hands out punishment for this offense in the form of infants. Why do you think men can sleep soundly and you're getting up at night? Uh huh, get that milk ready.))

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
((Allow me to reiterate my first point again: say it. A hint is a hint: no matter how obvious it is, it's still evil. Trust me, you'll be less aggravated with a no, than us pretending to not know what you're talking about. Yes I admit it, we do get the hints sometimes, but since you won't ask we won't answer.))

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
((Yes, I am offering explanations now. But don't get it twisted, I'm doing you a favor. You're not entitled to an explanation or background information, primarily because they aren't necessary. There aren't shades of gray, life is black and white and yes and no are their symbols. It is a simple and logical concept.))

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
((If you have gotten into some kind of argument with a coworker/girlfriend/etc then understand what you did wrong on your part. If you don't, understand we will help you do so. Honestly ask yourself do you want your way or the right way. No, they aren't always the same thing.))

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
((It's a brutal truth to swallow: your memory is useless with a man. I don't even know where that 7 day expiration date came from: what matters is what leaves his mouth at that moment. You can tell him what he promised an hour ago, but don't kid yourself, you'll either sit there waiting or receive something subpar. Times moves quickly and men have learn to adapt to the changing times, if you do so as well you'll feel sooo much better.))

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
((You have to learn to be honest with yourself and your worst critic. It doesn't matter if you have a hyperactive thyroid gland or your big-boned or you were pregnant a few years ago, you're big... large... rotund... [insert fat adjective here]. Does it really matter? You have a man that loves you and your love handles. If he can look past them, why can't you?))

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
((Unfortunately men have been neutered and stripped of their masculinity to accommodate women and our need for sex. Ironic, isn't it? In any case, we don't want you to be mad at us and strip us of your love, affection, and body... and cooking... and cleaning. We mean well, always, and don't you forget it. Mwah.))

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
((If a woman comes to man to assemble something, do not stand over them and direct them. Feel free to handle it yourself. If you cannot handle it yourself, then you cannot speak. Come on, it's just a simple courtesy, we're not getting paid for this, and house work and sex work don't count.))

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
((We don't talk to you at all during Oprah or soap operas, so limit what you have to say to breaks. Nothing is so pressing that you have to interrupt the game. If you can remember something from 6 months ago, surely you can remember something from 4th and Goal.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
((Every great explorer was a man, from Columbus to Neil Armstrong. You might argue women can do navigate just a well. I would offer Emelia Earhert's airplane to the contrary, but we can't find it. Stick to the passenger seat and point out the next exit.))

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
((If you can't find a car or skittle in the color you speak of, it doesn't exist.))

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
((You do too, don't front. The only difference between women and men on this point is that women look around before they start digging for gold. Forgive us men for being comfortable with ourselves, even in public settings.))

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
((It's not that we don't understand you, it's that we want to get to the point. We're not inconsiderate, you are. And you are a liar. You know something is wrong but you want men to spend precious time trying to find out when we could be looking at television or breathing. Say it. Say it. Say it!))

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
((While I won't understand why you do it to yourself, I would like to know why you subject men to this torment. You know why human beings think, because you can get away with thinking stupid things. Don't subject us to some idiocy, then look at us like we're dumb when call you out on it.))

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
((You want to know what men care about? Time. Especially as more of it goes by with every outfit you try on. Make a deal with your man, spend 8 hours picking out an outfit prior to the last hour to get to the engagement. And stick with it. Don't find something wrong right be for you leave, or you shall be left.))

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as cricket, rugby, or football, or golf, or sex.
((You have been given the options for conversation, there is no "other."))

1. You have enough clothes.
((I like to think I have a lot of clothes, but I must say I was appalled at the amount of clothes that women could have... cocktail, evening, cosmopolitan, casual, Sunday, exercise, formal, lunch, brunch... only one matters to men: natural.))

1. You have too many shoes.
((So do I, so I'm not mad at you. I don't have different shades of the same color however. I don't have these different shades in different fabrics. I don't have the fabrics on different inches. Are you catching my drift, or are you still going shopping?))

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
((Nobody is talking about the cute little shapes your pockets of fat form into, leave our beer bellies and double chins alone. Love us for who we are and we'll do the same. You think a guy who is in shape will fall head over heels like we do? We discovered the secret, your hips break our fall.))

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
((Couches don't take the all the covers. Couches don't snore. Yes, you probably do. If your man must be a martyr to get this point across, then at least one woman has been converted.))

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.
((This statement shows how sad things really are. You laugh at the rules because you know you will never be obligated to abide by them. I hope I have snatched what ever joy you might have gotten from this list. I hope you know I still think you're all gorgeous and lovely too. Mwah.))

>KABOOM<